So a couple weeks ago Todd died. He had forgotten to bulk up for winter hibernation, and his body went kaput at the first cold snap (apparently he'd been on an America's Funniest Home Videos bender for a month or so and had ignored his body's primal instinct to gorge itself during autumn). His dying request was that I film me hitting his corpse over the fence with a baseball bat and send the video to America's Funniest Home Videos. I did, and this morning some police came to the door. Apparently squirrels getting clocked with bats raised a few red flags. I guess if I'd thought about it I would have realized that that's kind of a perverse thing to send to anyone...but when it's Todd it just seems like another funny PCP party trick.
Anyhow, Lyle got the door and I listened to his conversation with the cops from behind the couch. It went kind of like this:
LYLE: SooooOOOO! It's YOU again!
COP 1: Sir, are you Téodor Orezscu?
LYLE: Do I look like that fat pussy to you? Tell me now. Say it to my face, asshole shitwad. I fucked your mother and drew a daisy on her ass. [spits]
COP 1: There's no need for this kind of behavior, sir.
LYLE: Oh yes there IS! [sound of bottle breaking] ACE OF SPADES!
COP 2: Sir, have you been drinking?
LYLE: NO!
COP 1: Does a Téodor Orezscu live here?
LYLE: What's this about, mustache-dick? Your partner here put his dick across your upper lip like a mustache? Is that why you're buggin' me? I already have a mustache, so NO THANKS on the lip pedro thing.
COP 2: We're investigating some charges of squirrel cruelty. Does the squirrel in this photograph resemble anyone you know?
LYLE: Nope.
COP 2: And this...[flips page]...is this Téodor Orezscu?
LYLE: Never seen that fat piece of crap before. Get lost. Both of you. Get in your cop car and go to your cop car parkin' spot.
COP 1: Have a nice day.
COP 2: Make sure you clean up this broken glass. It's a hazard.
LYLE: Fuck...YOUUUUUUUUUU! [door clicks]
So, I figure I've got to lay low for a while, and probably change the way I look pretty significantly. Should probably grow a beard...get glasses...maybe do the Hasidic Jew thing with the black suit and stuff...what are those corkscrew sideburns called? I think my great-grandpa Bliklish had a pretty rad set. Okay, off to Jew it up. The next time I see you, it will not be as Téodor Orezscu. It will be as...Herschel Schviz-Meskewicz.
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