I was out back watering our new herb garden today (basil, thyme, oregano, mint, chives) when Ray called my cell phone. I almost didn't take it, but you never know what you're going to get with him. Being on Ray's speed-dial is kind of like playing the Lottery: 99.999% of the time he's just calling because he wants to know if Kevin Bacon and Sissy Spacek have ever been in a movie together, but there's always that off chance he just accidentally won a new 63" flat-screen TV he doesn't need and wants to give it to the first person who's home.
RAY: Ray? This is Téodor.
TÉODOR: No it’s not. This is Téodor. Ray?
RAY: Oh, sorry man. I...oh, yeah. Listen, Téodor, I notice that you’ve put on a few pounds lately.
TÉODOR: Thanks! Alright, see you around.
RAY: Wait! Don’t hang up. You don’t know what I’m going to say.
TÉODOR: I’m guessing you’re going to move on to my mother’s parenting abilities.
RAY: What? Your mom was bad to you? I’m sorry, dude. Maybe I should call back later.
TÉODOR: I...if my mother didn’t raise me well, what would be different in a couple hours?!
RAY: This isn’t going at all the way I intended, man. I’m sorry. This is my fault.
TÉODOR: You wanted to call to tell me you think I’m fat. I think this is about as good as can be expected.
RAY: You’re not fat, dude! But your body has reached a certain...believability.
TÉODOR: Look, I know you like to get all 4:20 but I actually have something going on right now.
RAY: Man, I ain’t high! Not for that reason, anyway. Listen, I'm thinking of starting a club.
TÉODOR: A club for fat guys with bad moms? Isn't that club already called "Bowling"?
RAY: Heh heh! Heh hehh[HACK COUGH COUGH COUGH kh-chuck PTOOEY!] Hey, man! Man, you just made shit come outta my nose!
TÉODOR: That's picturesque.
RAY: Oh, shit. Somebody's at the door. I'll call you right back.
So, I guess this call fell into the former category, minus the Kevin Bacon stuff. It's been four hours and I haven't heard back from him, so I guess we're not starting a club about how I'm fat. Not that I'm fat. I don't know what he's talking about. I look the same as I always have.